Quote

Quote of the Day: "It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent." -Dave Barry

The cub scout campout was last night (I wasn't there - sadly (or not!) I had to fulfill my obligation to vendor at a crop and couldn't make it to the campout) so this quote seemed appropriate for today. I don't think it rained this time though so we could be in for it next time!

And she doesn't even complain...

Walking home from school with Ryan the other day, the subject of parent volunteers came up. Clearly I'm not making the grade because I don't come in every week like a couple of the parents, but I'm not completely in the dog house because I have been there a couple times this year. I told him next year might be easier since I would have two students at the elementary school and maybe more time to help there.

Anyway, I asked him what sorts of things the weekly volunteers do. He told me that one mom sharpens the pencils. I said wow - sounds hard. He said that she does a good job and she doesn't even complain!

That's the sign of a good volunteer, I told him. Does a good job and doesn't ever complain!

Where do I sign up for pencil-sharpening duty? That's a job I think I could actually handle. :)

Vaccuum Cleaner Kids for Rent

I may lose my babysitting job after this post but it's funny so I'll tell anyway! :)

I went upstairs earlier to clean up Bella's room a little. I couldn't decide whether to start with the movies (about 15 videos and corresponding empty cases stacked on the dresser and spread about the rug) or the dishes (about 5-10 bowls and cups strewn about the dollhouse, couch, and floor)... tough choices. I could make the kids clean up later but I'll probably forget until bedtime and I knew Corey and Felisa would be playing up there this morning and figured I might as well just do it myself. I decided on the dishes and started stacking the empty bowls. I was just about to start picking up the spilled cheerios and lucky charms off the floor when Felisa woke up. As usual, another project left undone...

I just went up to check on them (I heard the video locker closing) and decided to grab the dishes while I was there. And pick up the spilled cereal. Except there wasn't any spilled cereal. Hmmm.... Did you guys clean up the cereal that was here on the floor? Yes. Oh, thank you. That was very nice and helpful. We ate it, remember Corey? Umm-Hmm. Oh great... Good thing it was only dry cereal and nothing that will give them food poisoning!

So, if you have any crumbs about your house, I can rent my vaccuum cleaner kids to you. For free!

(They're better than my worthless, picky, you-might-as-well-call-me-a-cat, dog, Bailey!)

Hours of Fuzzy Entertainment

Shani's kids are here, playing outside. My kids are here, playing inside. Except Felisa - she's outside with the Others (the ones who haven't been afflicted with the I Can't Go Outside for More Than 5 Minutes Or I'll Die Disease).

Unfortunately for two fuzzy black caterpillars, they have been discovered. And sentenced to hours of fun.... being picked up and dropped over and over again, interspersed with crawling up the screen door and hiking across endless expanses of kid.

Fun, huh?

Now I get to leave the kids and caterpillars in the care of "Uncle Ron" while I escape to watch Ryan at swim class...

Psychological Trauma... one possible answer to the mess!

Well... I decided one possible answer is... you clean it or I clean it. And when I clean it, it's going in the trash. Bella said no. Felisa said yes. Poor Ryan got caught in the middle. He didn't actually make much of the current mess so I wasn't forcing him to join the clean-up. He did go down to the basement in a heart-breaking, screaming, crying fit when I headed to the front door with a box full of Little People. Poor guy. He doesn't even hardly play with them but yet he didn't want me to throw them away. Felisa started to sing a different tune also when I got to the door. Oh, you mean throw them away... I thought you just meant I don't have to clean up 'cuz you're gonna do it for me. After all, they Hate to clean up and they're Too Tired to clean up. Yet they are never too tired to make a big mess of course.

So I admit... I caused psychological trauma to my children today. Too bad the ones it was meant for didn't feel it as much as the innocent bystander...

Optimistic or Delusional?

Ron was gone this weekend. He took Felisa to NM for an extended weekend visit. While they were gone, I was able to keep the main level of the house picked up (we had dinner guests last Saturday and stamp camp here on Thursday evening so things were recently decluttered and thereby giving me a headstart) while they were gone. At least until the last day when I gave up on it. I also did 10 pages in my scrapbook, took care of various commitments (church, soccer, etc), went on a field trip to the Garden Show, and fed the kids. Bella had a sleepover at Grandma D's on Friday and a couple afternoon playdates as usual so some of the time there were only 2 of us here. All of the weekend activities happened fairly easily.

Fast forward to today... third full day since Ron and Felisa have returned... I am exhausted. The house is a trail of destruction from one square foot to another. Ryan's boat for scouts was completed just in time. Dinner was cooked each night - sort of. My uniform was put together just in time. We didn't finish all of Ryan's reading homework because at 10:00 last night, I decided it was just too late and sleep was more important.

So the first question is... is the status of my life in a house of 5 a reflection of a certain person or persons or is it more a reflection of total numbers? For example, a house of 3 just runs easier than a house of 5. Or maybe Felisa is the main trouble-maker and her abscence made things go more smoothly. I'm leaning more towards the total numbers theory. While Felisa does contribute a large portion to my required actions each day, she is getting older and more self-sufficient and therefore less of a time-and-energy-hog, moving her into "just one of the numbers" category. The difference between life here over the weekend and the life here since Monday afternoon is so vast that it just really has me wondering why.

And now for the title post question... Am I optimistic or eternally delusional? I would say that I am generally an optimistic person. But when pondering the state of my home and whether it will ever change I'm not so sure. I guess, in a way, I am optimistic because at the end of the day, when I am just too tired to care anymore and have thrown in the towel, leaving all that is undone to be done another day, I think that "Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow I will get everything done." Yet this NEVER happens. So am I optimistic or suffering from delusions of possible future success that will never come to fruition?

Need a girlfriend? Ask Ryan!

So he's only 7... doesn't matter. Ryan already knows where to find a girlfriend!

We were listening to the radio on the way home from school the other day. A commercial came on for Post Rewards. It works pretty much like every rewards program - by certain stuff, get other stuff for free. In the commercial, the rewards customer says that he will have enough rewards soon to give his girlfriend flowers then take her out to dinner at a nice restaurant. "Now all I need is a girlfriend" he says at the end of the ad.

Ryan pipes up from the backseat... He should get a girlfriend from the Rewards program. Sure, I say, but I don't think they offer girlfriends as prizes. Ryan replies, they can just send a letter that says go to e-harmony.com to get one.

I was cracking up!

So, good news for the e-harmony ad company- your commercials are definitely getting the message out...

We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to say...

I'm sick AGAIN. Enough already for cryin' out loud! Nothing too horrible this time, just a head cold but still. I'm the one who doesn't usually get sick yet I've been sick at least once/month since December. This is April. Which makes that 5 different illnesses this winter. Technically it's spring but you can't tell by the weather forecast! Cloudy and cold. And rainy. And cold. And cloudy and cold. Blah! Supposed to be better by Friday though... yippee!

Ron's parents were here for Easter/Spring Break. I definitely recommend importing Grandparent Entertainment Power for week-long school breaks. I certainly would have gone crazy had I been stuck here with my children all alone all day every day for a week. That's the stuff of horror movies I tell ya!

Ryan had his first soccer game last weekend. Awesome! He played well. He ran hard. He got right back up after each and every fall. He even took a soccer ball to the face - OUCH! A bit of a bloody nose and a short time-out then he was right back out there. Can't tell you how proud I am of him. Yea Ryan!

I completed multiple scrapbook pages this week... yea, me! I went to a friend's house on Monday afternoon. The kids played and we worked on our books for a couple hours. Then today I did about 3 more pages from way back in 2002... so much for that goal of more than one-year's worth of pages completed each year. It has now been almost 2 years since I started working on my 2oo2 photos. I'm on September. Ay yi yi... at this rate, I'll never get caught up!

And that's it for now. I'm in the middle of a page but I can't finish because everytime I go down to work on it, Felisa follows me and gets all in the middle of everything. Oh well... maybe tomorrow. Since it's almost 7 p.m. and I have to bathe the children tonight and do laundry so I can pack Felisa's bag tomorrow (she's going on vacation to NM with Daddy!) and I'm still congested, I just know I won't make it back down to my office tonight.

And that's all I have for you today...

Do you know your states?

I found a link to this site which asks you to list all 50 states in ten minutes. Spelled correctly. You can list them in any order and your answers will automatically be arranged alphabetically.

The good news for this Wednesday morning... I DID IT! Woo-hoo! Such a sense of accomplishment. I almost feel silly about how excited I was to successfully list all 50 states. State capitols would be a different case entirely though, I must admit. I got a little nervous when I had only 5 1/2 minutes left and 3 states left. I went in order around the country so my input list was in a different order than the alphabetical answers list. I tried not to panic and just think it out. After all, I wasn't being graded and if I didn't pass the "test" no one would ever know. Turns out I left a big whole where Tennessee, Kentucky, and Mississippi are. But... I found them (in my head) with 4:46 seconds to spare.

I'm so smart. Or not... :)

Tire Changing 102

I would call it tire changing 101 but this is my second time changing a tire. The first time was a long, hot, drawn-out affair on a tiny gravel mountain road at Girl Scout Camp with my Dad's old Ford pick-up truck. The parts were big, heavy, and rusted into place. I never did get it all the way done on my own. The ranch manager drove up to help after a few hours and said that it was hard - even for him. So maybe I could've done it myself if it had happened on a different car or in a different place, somewhere more conducive to changing a tire.

I will admit right up front... I didn't change the tire this time either. I did even less of the work myself. Grandpa Racinez is here so he did most of it. I was out there though... in my pajamas and jacket reading the instruction book and offering advice and second opinions. Turns out we had picked up a nail. Probably from all the house demolition on our street. The good news is that we were home when it happened. And since the car is much newer (only 2 years old!) the parts weren't rusted into place. And the tools were smaller and therefore easier to handle as well.

So 4 hours start to finish, including having the tire repaired. Grandpa does good work. (And I do a great job reading the instructions!) I'm sure I could do it myself if I ever had to.

This Day in the Life of Me...

0808 - I'm already behind... I forgot it is my designated "This Day" day. So let's review... starting at Midnight on March 27, 2007... I woke up sometime just after midnight because Felisa was squirming and whining. She had to go potty so I got up to take her. Something about going potty made her cry. I sent her back to bed and took my turn. Collected my water bottle from where I had left it on the counter and went back to bed. My throat still really hurts. The rest of the night is fitful sleep full of strange dreams, a side-effect of taking Sudafed before bed. My ear has been hurting along with my throat and after two eardrum ruptures in the last 3 years, I am very sensitive to the possibility of a repeat and take sudafed at the slightest twinge. I got up at about 0745. Came downstairs to find Ryan and Bella watching TV. Decide to give the home-cure for strep throat a try. Gargle (then swallow) apple cider vinegar mixed with honey. I was planning ahead and did it over the kitchen sink. That way when I had to gag and spit it out in a hurry, I didn't make a mess. Maybe I better check the recipe again - that was more awful than I imagined it would be. It burned and it tasted disgusting. All on an empty stomach. Ewww... flashbacks of morning sickness while pregnant with Bella right at this very same sink. Next step is to get breakfast for the kids then find my camera. Not in my purse. Not in the empty camera bag on the steps. Oh yes - now I remember. I left it hooked to the computer when I downloaded pictures on Saturday.

0837 - potty break for Felisa

0841 - Grandma Duffield stops by to say good morning after her morning jog. Reads a story to the girls.

0845 - Shani is here to drop off Corey and pick up Bella for school.

0851 - Change the time stamp on my camera. Apparently it doesn't know about the early shift from daylight savings time. Of course it may change itself next weekend when it was originally slated to be the time change. Hopefully I will remember when I go back to do my scrapbook pages on this day that the time stamp is wrong on the first 10 pictures!

0855 - See, only took me an hour to get caught up. All while helping kids and husbands get ready for work and school. Now I need to get a shower for myself or at least get dressed and put my contacts in. I hate wearing glasses.

0857 - Felisa wants to go outside. Corey doesn't. Felisa is asking for ChocoCrunch ALREADY. I don't think so... you just ate breakfast! Well, Corey needs breakfast is her response. I inform her that he ate breakfast already before he came over.

0900 - Corey has changed his mind. Put on his shoes, throw away the gome he found (that's Japanese for garbage - see how bilingual I have become since meeting Shani!), and out he goes. Bailey decides to join them. I warn her not to bark at Alex and Josh (though I know she will anyway if they are outside). Notice that Alexis has workers at her house again today (hardly an unusual occurence!)

0910 - I have been sucked back into the email zone... I read all the new messages so now maybe I can break away long enough to go get dressed.

0920 - Come back downstairs. Notice the guys across the street are pulling the off shingles today. I wonder how long it will take them to complete the demolition by hand. Took the guy in the big "Bob Truck" only one day to destroy and clear the house from the lot next to this one. They are recycling everything through Habitat For Humanity so that makes me feel better about the knock-down and rebuild. Come to the back door to check on the monsters. See Felisa holding a bag of cereal and Corey sitting at the table waiting. Because, really, they both must be starving. After all, it has been a whole hour since they last ate. Get two bowls so they can split the snack. Fiddle with my seedlings and my latest attempt at sprouting... I decided the big plastic box that the spinach came in would be the perfect size for a greenhouse for my two seedlings-to-be. The garlic has been holding strong (but then it was already sprouting in the fridge!). My seed order was shipped yesterday so soon I can attempt even more seedling sprouts. I tried a couple years ago and it didn't go well. I do a little better with direct planting. And have no problems when I buy starter plants at the Farmers' Market! I like the ease of the started plants but would like more variety/availability of the veggies I will actually eat.

0939 - Found the cider vinegar cure and tried it again. Diluted it with water this time so it was a little better. Still disgusting but less burn. Of course, less burn could be a bad thing since that could mean it is killing less germs. We shall see... Can't hurt, right? Right?

0945 - Decide to ponder what's for dinner... While I'm thinking, I was off the kids' table. Discover under all the old macaroni noodles and milk dribbles that there are spirolator pen marks all over the table. Grr... clearly the original Spirograph is a better product than this pen (it was a gift of course). Now I have to figure out where to hide the pen (maybe in the donations box?!?) and how to get ink from the tabletop. Speaking of hiding things... maybe now would be a good time to start photographing then clearing the accumulated school artwork and projects. No one is here to see me do it... the two little monsters are occupied outside...

0949 - Here's a question for the universe... how long does it take to redistribute 50 lbs of sand from the sand box to EVERYWHERE ELSE IN THE YARD and WHY must they do it? The answer to the first question is "not very long" and the second question I may never find the answer to.

1015 - I have cleared the most miniscule of schoolwork piles... the freshest layer if you will... from the big table. I discovered in this pile a note to send $5 for Ryan's class picnic. The money was due by March 17 (yes, that was 10 days ago!). So now it is in an envelope to go to school tomorrow. Maybe the Tuesday folders will come home today and I can send the money back with that (like I should have 2 Tuesday's ago!). The monkeys are still playing outside. I have decided on grilled pork chops for dinner so I must remember to brine them later today. I am also hoping that the spare grill gas tank in the shed really is full as Ron said it is. (I don't doubt Ron - I doubt my luck at having things go as planned.) And now I will see about getting Bella and Felisa into a swim class. I was able to register Ryan on Saturday but was having trouble with the class registration for the girls. Operator error, I'm sure (as Ron would say).

1035 - Okay, not operator error but rather stupid system! Because there are people on the waitlist (even though the class isn't full yet) I can't register them. Whatever. I put them on the waitlist and hope they will get in. If Ryan gets a class and they don't, it won't be pretty. I'd love to find someone who could give private family lessons. It would probably cost the same and it would be much easier than shuttling everyone to separate lesson times. In other news... the Starvin' Marvins are back. They came inside and asked for bagels with cream cheese. And chocolate milk. And juice.

1038 - And cupcakes? I don't think so. The bagels were good enough - go play!

1044 - I'm tired. My throat hurts (though ever so slightly less). I have a headache. I have general malaise (but no fever). I'm hungry. And I just want to go back to bed. But I can't. My house is a disaster area. Don't believe me? Just look. And I haven't finished my taxes yet. And I have a scrapbook project to do for a client. And the weather is gorgeous so I should be outside working in the yard. Those 15 bags of mulch aren't going to spread themselves, you know.

1129 - I've been searching online for different compost bin options. The bin I have is nice but I think I need a second bin. That way one can "Cook" while the other is collecting trash. Then when the first is finished cooking, I can use the compost then start filling it while letting the second bin cook. Apparently your pile will never be ready until you stop adding new material. I tried to just let it sit for a couple months, hoping the new compost would settle to the bottom. Then I could move the bin, move the stuff on top, and get some compost from the bottom. But, it's not going to work so well that way. Which means, I need another bin. It has to be an enclosed system so that the rodents won't get into it. I researched stacking bins and turning bins and think the best thing may just be to get a second bin like I already have and rotate between them. Here it is, a year after getting my first bin and I still have NO compost! :( Talk about learning the hard way. But... now I know.


1139 - Change Corey. Guess we waited too long for a potty break. Oh well.

1143 - Grandma Duffield stops by with the kittens in their stroller. Corey loves them! And the mail is here - with my seeds.

1149 - Go close the gate. Must have been left open when Ron was out with the kids last night. Decide to stay out front with the kids since Shani will be here soon with Bella. Look at my seed order. Tell the monsters to "Keep the dirt in the box" for the millionth time.

12:08 - Bella is home. Wants hot dogs for lunch. Convince her to eat a banana while she's waiting. Felisa chooses an orange.

12:45 - Lunch is over and the girls are arguing over who gets to use which bag to carry their animals. I'm thinking about going to the library and to the store to buy plastic eggs for the Easter parties at school.

12:58 - Felisa wants me to carry her so I bring her upstairs and lie down. She wants to watch TV so I turn on Backyardigans. Bella brings her school work upstairs to show me. She has a note that she needs hard-boiled eggs for her party. Which means I have to boil and dye eggs for one and buy plastic eggs for the other or just do all plastic. Because I'm really not a fan of the messy egg-dying process.

1:29 - Show is over. Bella wants a pop-tart for dessert from lunch. Which means I have to get up and go downstairs to get it for her. Maybe we won't go to the store or the library after all. I just feel crappy and all I want to do is hide in my bed.

1:35 - Try the cider vinegar gargle again. This concoction really makes me gag. But if it helps, then I guess I can suffer through it. Maybe.

1:39 - Girls are arguing over how to play the toy drum. Oh and now we have the recorder screeching along. Calgon, take me away!

2:30 - The girls have been playing while I have been hiding in the bedroom. Grandma Duffield came to rescue me. Takes Bella for a bike ride.

2:50 - Waiting for Bella to come back pick up Felisa to go to Grandma's. My throat is feeling a wee bit better but I feel more awful all over. Took my temp - up to 99.4

So... Grandma came back to get Felisa. I picked up Ryan from school. Got him a snack and got him started on his homework then went back upstairs to bed. Ron came home around 5:30. Went for a bike ride. The girls came home around 7. Felisa came to bed with me and went to sleep right away. When Ron got back around 7:20 he showered then took Ryan and Bella out to pick up sandwiches and fries. I ate my sandwich upstairs and then officially went to bed.

This wasn't what I had intended to offer up on my This Day entry but it is a true reflection of what happens when the mom gets sick. The world inside the house slows to a crawl while life outside continues on as usual. Hopefully I'll be feeling better soon because I'm feeling pretty awful right now.

What type of English do You speak?

Your Linguistic Profile:

70% General American English

10% Dixie

10% Upper Midwestern

5% Yankee

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Just a little bit of Friday afternoon goofing off... That's what Friday afternoons are for, right?

A Comforting Constellation

As I was taking out the trash tonight, a quick glance up into the night sky found Orion. I remember seeing this same constellation (though at a slightly different angle) at my parents' house in Colorado. Walking from the house out to the dog run, it seemed to always be right there, waiting for me. And now, seeing the same constellation in the sky, waiting for me each and every time, brings a bit of comfort to me, a faint sense of home and happiness here in this place far from home. This place that is now my new home is in a way connected to the past. It's like a little hug from the stars. Why, I don't know. It just is. And so I will acknowledge it and enjoy it for all it's worth, each and every time Orion greets me from above.

It can't be helped

I saw this in a post over at Frugal Veggie Mama and thought I should share it here... A more grown-up version of my teen attitude "Oh well" and a good mantra to keep in mind.

Last week at yoga, I said, "Hi Barbara, how are you?" to the owner of the
yoga studio. She responded that, "Not well, actually." When I said, "I'm sorry
to hear that." She responded, "It can't be helped." Later in the evening I
overheard her say, "Next week will be better."

It can't be helped. And next [week] will be better. Good positive thinking without getting all riled up. Fits me I think. Now I just need to remember it and remind myself from time to time. Because it couldn't be helped and it is better today. And I'm sure next time won't be any different.

Lenten Reflections

First a quote from a book, Confessions of Super Mom by Melanie Lynn Hauser...

"It never occurred to me that my children would worry about me. I
worried about them so much, so completely. I gave and I gave, and yet they
wanted to give too. And I rarely let them."

Here I sit... straddling the fence. A mother and a child. I can see both sides of it. And I must try to remember this as my children get older. Sometimes they just might want to give a little back. And to not let them really isn't fair. Are you listening, Mom?

So at mass today I found my mind wandering (not unusual for me, unfortunately). I decided though that perhaps I should embrace the wanderings... follow along and see where I end up. So I did. Hopefully that was the right decision and God won't be mad at me for not paying attention. I was paying attention a little bit... Fr. Pat said that in this season of Lent, we should be praying and reflecting, turning away from sin and turning towards God, living in his image.

For me, this has been an unusual Lent. Not that I've had a lot of them, being new to "The Club" and all, but still. So, an unusual Lent. I didn't give up anything. I haven't been faithful to my added activity (that lasted all of a week, maybe). Yet it has been an intensely emotional time. Internal strife over whether or not to actively be looking to help or if it is better to concentrate on just being myself. If helping someone is meant to be, then the situation will present itself. Right? I should be trusting that my family and friends know that I am ready and willing to help in any way that I can. Accepting that they may not need or want my help. Believing that they will ask when the need is there, when the time is right, when God's time is right. My feelings of sadness and loneliness of late... my last post about God's perfect timing... seem to conflict with each other. This is not a new feeling for me. This need that I feel to want to help others and to want others to share with me what is going on, whether I can help or not, has been present since at least college. This need is what led me to be a Psych major. (Not that I've ever used it but that's another story entirely!) So the need is not new. The feelings are not new. And I'm not sure if my answers to these questions are new or not. I am, after all, a different person than I was 15 years ago. My life is different than it was 15 years ago.

So for now I suppose I will turn in to my house, in to my family. I will continue to try to live each day just being the best me I can be. And pray for myself, and my family, and my friends, and for the world. There's nothing else I can do. Probably nothing else I should do.

Just be. (And hope that's the right answer.)


DISCLAIMER: This post is not about anyone in particular but rather I statement of how I feel right now so please don't read any more into it than there is to read.

Spring Weather, God, and Flag Therapy

Today was our first taste of spring. Warm, sunny weather... Ahhhh... Most of the February snow and ice has melted and most of the puddles are gone. The school kids were full of energy and the high that comes from good weather on a Friday afternoon. Walking home, there was a group of 5 boys standing along the sidewalk begging the passing cars to splash them with the puddle.

A story to share of God's actions that could easily be dismissed as coincidence if one weren't paying attention... The weather being what it was, I decided it would be a perfect day to walk Bailey down to pick up Ryan. A neighbor came home as I was leaving so after a brief conversation about the Frat Boys moving out, I was running a little late. I saw Clint drive past as I neared the school so figured he would collect Ryan from the door and meet me somewhere along the sidewalk or in the parking lot. As it turned out, Clint was waiting for Zoe in the parking lot so Ryan went to look for me in the lobby. And he forgot his lunchbox. So by the time we met up at the back door, and Ryan went back to say good-bye to Owen's mom (she had been waiting with him to see if he needed a ride) and collect his lunch box, we were later than usual heading back home. As we neared Parkwood, a little boy (probably kindergarten) was crying and two boys came over asking for help. Apparently the boy had fallen on some thorns. His older sister asked to borrow my phone and called her dad for a ride. So... if I hadn't thought to bring my phone (I put it in my pocket at the last minute in case I got a call from Zoe's parents that they were running late) and if I hadn't been running late and if Ryan hadn't had to go back inside the school, we would not have been in the right place at the right time to help the boy. Coincidence? Perhaps. But I choose to believe it was God's hand.

Now for my Flag Therapy... I went up to the Grossmans to bring Ryan home from his playdate. He wasn't ready to come home yet (they were waiting for their jello to set) so I left to come home without him. As I was leaving, there in the corner of the garage, was Melissa's purple guard practice flag, just calling my name. I'm all alone (I don't like to twirl in front of the kids because then they will want to do it also and that is most definitely a recipe for disaster!) and not in a hurry... So I pulled it out and spent about 5 minutes just spinning and twirling and tossing (only dropped it once!). Something about the sound of the flag whipping through the air and the (minor) exertion and the repetitiveness of spinning the flag is very relaxing to me.

So that's all I have to offer for today. The extreme sadness of the other day has mostly dissipated and I continue on with the business of living. Getting through each day the best that I can.

The morning after...

The sun is shining, the birds are singing... as always, things are looking better in the bright light of the morning. Ron came home and we spent the evening together on a "date" upstairs. We talked and laughed and he even admitted that, as hard as it is to believe, he thinks I am less crazy than any of his ex-girlfriends. Scary thought, huh.

So thanks to my dear, dear man, who threw me a rope and pulled me up out of the garbage pit, I am feeling better today. Life will go on.

The Sky is Falling

Look out everyone - the sky is falling. The river of tears rises up to meet it. I feel like Princess Leia on Star Wars when she jumped into the garbage compactor. The walls are closing in and the garbage I'm swimming in just keeps getting deeper. Oh, and don't forget that mystery creature that will occasionally pull you under.

Depressing, isn't it?

I'm sad today. (As if it weren't obvious in my analogy above!). I had a fight with my mom yesterday afternoon. The Divorce is not going well for her (does divorce ever go well, really?) and she is sad. I was frustrated by a long-standing issue (she won't allow me to buy her a plane ticket so that the kids and I might be able to see her more often) and I yelled at her. Probably not the best time since she was already down about things. Then I made a smart-ass remark and she hung up. Not a nice feeling. I SUCK at fighting. Probably why I don't ever do it. I'd rather run and hide under a rock. Maybe I'm part turtle or ostrich. Maybe I should become full turtle. I'm sure they have it good. Anyone have a shell I can borrow?

Another friend of mine is also contemplating the big D. Hard to see. Sad. For everyone.

I just received an email from a friend about 20 minutes ago. Made me cry. Not that making me cry is ever hard but it has been especially easy to fall off the deep end in the last 24 hours with little provocation. She is leaving our Cursillo group. Our group has been faltering lately anyway so I guess it was just a matter of time. Makes me sad though because I looked forward to our weekly meetings. I can find another group but it will take time to grow comfortable there and I'm not sure I'm interested in having to work for it right now. Our Small Faith group disbanded about a year or so ago and now I rarely see those people anymore. And I miss them.

I feel as though I have been focusing for the past year or so on living more simply. Emphasizing time spent together over pursuit of excellence (i.e. multiple classes/activities for the kids, perfection in housekeeping, though that one would never happpen regardless!). Communing with nature. Cocooning almost. The laundry doesn't get done (or the dishes or the cleaning or the... well, you get the picture) but I'm okay with that because I have spent time with friends and family. But it seems like people that were firmly planted in my cocoon somehow have burrowed out, crawled away and left me alone. Maybe that means it's time to move. Abandon the cocoon I treasured here and start over somewhere else. A lot of the people I didn't want to leave have left me instead. So why stick around? I'll still miss everyone but if I miss them anyway while we're still here, why stay?

Why stay? Why? Corey was bombarding me with the "Why?"s this morning. I had no answers for him and I have no answers for myself.

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why do people do the things they do? Why is anything the way it is? Why, why, why? Why me? Why them? What now? Who next?

Yes, I know it's a pity party. Things will get better eventually - they always do. But for now I am going to be sad and cry and just wonder what next and what am I supposed to be doing anyway.

Someone please pass me a steel pole to shore up the walls before they squeeze the life out of me and make me into mystery monster food.

Another quote

Teach your students to use what talents they have; the woods would be silent if no bird sang except those who sing best.
-Anonymous

(I usually only post one quote on any given day but this was too good to not post. And we all know, if I wait, I will forget!)

Quote

No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.
-- Charles Dickens