Wednesday, October 31, 2007

The Haunted Housewife

See the Haunted Housewife run screaming from the house.
I give up. I quit. It's just not fair!
What could possibly have caused such Halloween terror in TypicalTown, America?

Read The Haunted Housewife to find out...

Do you remember those books? Choose your own adventure. I liked them. I even tried to write one once. Now I'm going to write another one. Are you ready?

Once upon a time there was a Happy Housewife. Let's call her Ruby. Ruby woke up early one Halloween morning to face her morning workout torture. Unfortunately before she could even make it out the door to the gym, she was faced by the gaping dishwasher and the over-flowing sink full of dirty dishes. Bummer. No Dish Fairy came to visit last night. Oh well, she thinks, the dishes will have to wait. Boot camp torture comes first!

Just over an hour later, Ruby returns home, tired and sweaty. Dutiful and loving wife that she is, she immediately starts a pot of coffee then turns to face the Dish Monster. Time passes. Children wake up. Children are called to breakfast. Children are sent to dress in their cutest Halloween clothes. More time passes. Panic sets in - why aren't the lunches made yet? Why do you have so many tangles in your hair? Put on your shoes! Put on your coat! Hurry, hurry, hurry! We're late! Does Ruby get a shower after her workout? No, of course not. But that's okay. After a couple errands, there will be time for a shower later.

The morning passes. Ruby returns the library books, checks out some new library DVDs, buys milk and a snack, and returns home with just enough time for a very quick shower.

Should Ruby
a) take a quick shower
b) wait and take a shower later

But wait, she thinks. I'm worth more than just a rushed shower. I'm worth a long, hot, take-my-time shower. I'll take a shower while Littlest Child eats lunch and watches the new DVDs. Ruby gathers some newspaper clippings for her friend Shanita, cleans out the car console a bit, then heads to PreSchool Land to pick up Littlest Child.

Fast forward... Littlest Child is watching Dora so Ruby heads upstairs for her long-awaited shower. Oh look - the shower bucket is full. Ruby empties the water into the garden then turns on the water to warm up.

Should Ruby
a) take a shower
b) decide to give the shower a quick scrub before she gets in

Ruby decides that she should really give the shower stall at least a cursory scrub before the mildew comes to life and attacks someone. She very carefully removes the shower bucket that has accumulated another 3 inches or so of water in it and puts it on the rug next to the bathtub. She squirts a little Soft Scrub on the shower then rubs it in with the scrub brush. Somehow in her ultimate gracefulness, Ruby manages to knock over the bucket, spilling the water all over the rug and the bathroom floor. Alrighty then, she sighs. Guess I'll be cleaning the whole bathroom today. It wasn't the plan for the day but it needed to be done.

Two hours later, Ruby is showered and the bathroom is clean. The first load of rugs has been washed. Littlest Child has become bored of Dora and wants to help Ruby. They do a little vaccuuming of the bedroom then head down to the laundry room together. Put two rugs in the dryer. Discover the rubber backing from the other two rugs is coming apart. Decide to throw them away.

Should Ruby
a) check the deep sink to see if the rubber backing has clogged the drain
b) go on about her business as if nothing is wrong

Ruby and Littlest Child put towels in the washer, turn it on, then leave to pick up the Big Kids at Big Kid School.

Fast forward about an hour. All the kids are home. Oldest Boy has assembled his bow and arrows for his Halloween Archer costume. The missing rocket has been returned by Nice Neighbor Lady and another rocket has been swallowed by the Very Tall Pine Tree. Ruby decides to go see if the rugs are dry or if they need to be hung outside on the sun.

Eeewwww! What was that? Why is the floor wet?! Oh no! The deep sink is clogged and overflowed. Why is it that Ruby's hard work cleaning the bathroom has been rewarded with a flooded laundry room? Why? Why? Why?

Should Ruby
a) run screaming from the house. I give up. I quit. It's just not fair! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
b) call her friends to vent her woes, laugh at herself, and keep on keeping on.

An hour or so later, the laundry room is mostly soaked up. Dinner is cooking and it's almost time for trick-or-treating. Oh and don't forget the icing on the cake... while mopping up the mess, Ruby discovers that the washer was set for Extra Rinse. Because, really, there wasn't enough water on the floor already today!

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Wonder Woman Stuffed Zucchini

Come close... I'm about to give away an old secret family recipe for Wonder Woman Stuffed Zucchini. Do you have your pencils ready to copy it down? Okay, here we go...

1. Make regular stuffed zucchini for dinner. Decide there is enough stuffing left to make stuffed zucchini again soon.

2. Put extra stuffing into a freezer bag. Decide not to label the bag because of course you will remember what is inside. Place bag in freezer.

3. Wait about a month.

4. Decide to make spaghetti. Now that it is actually fall and you have no fresh tomatoes on hand, decide to use some frozen spaghetti sauce you made over the summer.

5. Remove bag of frozen spaghetti sauce and leave to thaw on counter.

6. It's getting late. Decide to warm sauce on stove while you cook noodles and prepare garlic bread.

7. Stir sauce.

8. Look very closely and wonder to yourself... "WHAT is that?!!?" After all, it looks like spaghetti sauce with meat (probably ground beef) but wait - is that rice?

9. Have lightbulb moment. Oh yeah! That's the extra stuffed zucchini stuffing I was saving. Maybe I should have labeled it. Duh!

10. Debate whether or not you should still have noodles. Decide to cook the noodles anyway since the Bella won't touch the stuffing if her life depends on it.

11. Come up with a creative name to sell this latest creation to the diners... How about Wonder Woman Stuffed Zucchini?! The zucchini boats are invisible just like her plane is invisible!

12. Sprinkle with parmesan cheese and enjoy with a slice of garlic bread and a glass of wine.

And finally... (this last step is optional)

13. Tell Husband what's for dinner. Laugh. Forbid him to stop for a free taco at Taco Bell on the way home. Force him to eat your special secret family recipe. You may have to go out later to get him the taco anyway so use your own judgement on this one.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Pass the Earplugs!

There are 6... count them, 6, kids about 10 feet from me playing "jump to our deaths!" Which, actually is fine with me. I just wish they'd do it silently! The joy and hilarity of it all is about to rupture my eardrums.

Okay, they really aren't jumping to their deaths. They're leaping down 2 steps onto a fuzzy blanket. This is safe because 1) it's only two steps down and 2) they are going one at a time. And at least one parent is expected to arrive in about 9 minutes which will reduce my total number of charges to 4. And technically, I have to keep 3 of them anyway. So if they can refrain from actually killing themselves or getting hurt in any way for the next 10 minutes I'm home free!

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Individually they're fine but...

Last night was Homecoming. Ron was the designated photographer for Melissa and her friends. He met them after dinner, took a few great shots, then came back home.

This morning we were talking and Ron said... I don't want to have any teenagers. I think I'll have to sell ours before they turn into teenagers. Why, I asked. Well, individually they're fine but get them into groups...

Hmmm... sounds like a few Marines I know. Individually they're fine, but get them into groups. Ugh!

So anyway, even though Melissa came home late, everything seemed to go well. I didn't get the official report yet since I went to bed as soon as she got home last night and needless to say, she's not awake yet at 0900 the next morning. I'm not in favor of teenagers because I don't want to have to stay up late waiting for them to get home. 013o is definitely past my bedtime. I was expecting her at 1 (per her other mother's instructions) which is still past my bedtime, but apparently Ron approved her delayed curfew. Hmm. Guess we'll see about that "struck by lightning" promise when the Real Mom gets home tonight!

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Diamond Is A Girl's Best Friend

Apparently Bella has an imaginary friend. Her name is Diamond. She is the only one in her family who is invisible. She lives in the field of the white dandelion just through the woods.

Who knew!?!

It is kind of nice to hear Bella telling about Diamond. I rarely hear her speaking of imaginary things. Is it because she's the middle child who never spends time alone with me? Is it because she is so quiet that she never talks about anything? I'm sure I don't know and I probably never will know.