"It never occurred to me that my children would worry about me. I
worried about them so much, so completely. I gave and I gave, and yet they
wanted to give too. And I rarely let them."
Here I sit... straddling the fence. A mother and a child. I can see both sides of it. And I must try to remember this as my children get older. Sometimes they just might want to give a little back. And to not let them really isn't fair. Are you listening, Mom?
So at mass today I found my mind wandering (not unusual for me, unfortunately). I decided though that perhaps I should embrace the wanderings... follow along and see where I end up. So I did. Hopefully that was the right decision and God won't be mad at me for not paying attention. I was paying attention a little bit... Fr. Pat said that in this season of Lent, we should be praying and reflecting, turning away from sin and turning towards God, living in his image.
For me, this has been an unusual Lent. Not that I've had a lot of them, being new to "The Club" and all, but still. So, an unusual Lent. I didn't give up anything. I haven't been faithful to my added activity (that lasted all of a week, maybe). Yet it has been an intensely emotional time. Internal strife over whether or not to actively be looking to help or if it is better to concentrate on just being myself. If helping someone is meant to be, then the situation will present itself. Right? I should be trusting that my family and friends know that I am ready and willing to help in any way that I can. Accepting that they may not need or want my help. Believing that they will ask when the need is there, when the time is right, when God's time is right. My feelings of sadness and loneliness of late... my last post about God's perfect timing... seem to conflict with each other. This is not a new feeling for me. This need that I feel to want to help others and to want others to share with me what is going on, whether I can help or not, has been present since at least college. This need is what led me to be a Psych major. (Not that I've ever used it but that's another story entirely!) So the need is not new. The feelings are not new. And I'm not sure if my answers to these questions are new or not. I am, after all, a different person than I was 15 years ago. My life is different than it was 15 years ago.
So for now I suppose I will turn in to my house, in to my family. I will continue to try to live each day just being the best me I can be. And pray for myself, and my family, and my friends, and for the world. There's nothing else I can do. Probably nothing else I should do.
Just be. (And hope that's the right answer.)
DISCLAIMER: This post is not about anyone in particular but rather I statement of how I feel right now so please don't read any more into it than there is to read.