Monday, February 26, 2007

The Sky is Falling

Look out everyone - the sky is falling. The river of tears rises up to meet it. I feel like Princess Leia on Star Wars when she jumped into the garbage compactor. The walls are closing in and the garbage I'm swimming in just keeps getting deeper. Oh, and don't forget that mystery creature that will occasionally pull you under.

Depressing, isn't it?

I'm sad today. (As if it weren't obvious in my analogy above!). I had a fight with my mom yesterday afternoon. The Divorce is not going well for her (does divorce ever go well, really?) and she is sad. I was frustrated by a long-standing issue (she won't allow me to buy her a plane ticket so that the kids and I might be able to see her more often) and I yelled at her. Probably not the best time since she was already down about things. Then I made a smart-ass remark and she hung up. Not a nice feeling. I SUCK at fighting. Probably why I don't ever do it. I'd rather run and hide under a rock. Maybe I'm part turtle or ostrich. Maybe I should become full turtle. I'm sure they have it good. Anyone have a shell I can borrow?

Another friend of mine is also contemplating the big D. Hard to see. Sad. For everyone.

I just received an email from a friend about 20 minutes ago. Made me cry. Not that making me cry is ever hard but it has been especially easy to fall off the deep end in the last 24 hours with little provocation. She is leaving our Cursillo group. Our group has been faltering lately anyway so I guess it was just a matter of time. Makes me sad though because I looked forward to our weekly meetings. I can find another group but it will take time to grow comfortable there and I'm not sure I'm interested in having to work for it right now. Our Small Faith group disbanded about a year or so ago and now I rarely see those people anymore. And I miss them.

I feel as though I have been focusing for the past year or so on living more simply. Emphasizing time spent together over pursuit of excellence (i.e. multiple classes/activities for the kids, perfection in housekeeping, though that one would never happpen regardless!). Communing with nature. Cocooning almost. The laundry doesn't get done (or the dishes or the cleaning or the... well, you get the picture) but I'm okay with that because I have spent time with friends and family. But it seems like people that were firmly planted in my cocoon somehow have burrowed out, crawled away and left me alone. Maybe that means it's time to move. Abandon the cocoon I treasured here and start over somewhere else. A lot of the people I didn't want to leave have left me instead. So why stick around? I'll still miss everyone but if I miss them anyway while we're still here, why stay?

Why stay? Why? Corey was bombarding me with the "Why?"s this morning. I had no answers for him and I have no answers for myself.




Why do people do the things they do? Why is anything the way it is? Why, why, why? Why me? Why them? What now? Who next?

Yes, I know it's a pity party. Things will get better eventually - they always do. But for now I am going to be sad and cry and just wonder what next and what am I supposed to be doing anyway.

Someone please pass me a steel pole to shore up the walls before they squeeze the life out of me and make me into mystery monster food.

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