It's baaaaccckkkkk....

That nagging desire to have another baby. I have debated and wondered, wondered and debated, pondered, wondered and dreamed for almost a year now (perhaps even longer!)... should we or shouldn't we? How does one make such a huge decision? I learned with Felisa that I must be more certain in my intentions, or else God may decide for me! I just don't know. One day I feel like having another one and the next I think there is no way I could ever handle it. I have even asked friends how to decide (not to make the decision for me, of course) because I could use a little advice as to how to go about deciding. Kind of like learning a math equation... a squared + b squared - the square root of c = # of children. Someone just needs to share the magical equation with me so I can solve for X!

I read a few books lately - Girlfriend's Guide to Getting Your Groove Back by Vicky Iovine and Woman First, Family Always by Kathy Sansone. Searching for that elusive answer of what's next. Is this it? Basically what I came away with was, this is as good as it gets. Daily activities change as the children get older but there is no magical appearance of more time to myself and a cleaner house. It's all in the attitude. So I resolve to have a good attitude about my life, such that it is (most days anyway! :) ) and just do the best I can. It will be over before I know it and I'll be like all those other older mothers out there - wondering where the time went.

So here are some key questions...
**Knowing that I am a slob, can I live like this the rest of my life (or the next 18 years anyway...) - having another kid will make it worse not better.
**Knowing how poorly I deal with noise, can I handle that much more? I have been pondering the noise issue of late - I think it relates to my Wind Issue in that I don't deal well with the relentlessness of it and that I cannot control it to make it stop. So I don't like loud noises (no matter how short in duration) and I don't like continuous noises. Can I really survive in a house with 4 kids, a dog, and associated playmates?
**Knowing the constant neediness that already exists here, do I have it in me to be needed that much more? Someone always wants something, which is bad enough in and of itself. But when EVERYONE needs EVERYTHING at the exact same time, I tend to go off the deep end! How much more neediness would come with Baby #4? I know, A LOT, at the beginning but will it taper off to a manageable level by age 2? Or am I dooming myself to life in the deep end?

Someone once told me... there will always be a last child. Will your second be the last or the tenth? Either way there is always a last so you just have to decide how many kids you can handle then let the last be the last.

Somebody help me!!!